grass is always greener

we always want what we can’t have.

if only i had X, i would be happier (where X= job, relationship, money, time, etc.). it’s like we’re constantly waiting in limbo for a piece to fall in place and some ultimate happiness to be achieved.

…nevermind what we have today, or the fact that happiness does not exist as a denouement on a linear plane. X won’t change anything. there is no solution, no permanent fix. it is a matter of genuinely embracing the present moment, not getting caught up in what you don’t have but celebrating and finding the joy in what you do. at a certain point you have no choice but to let go. happiness, as impermanent and fleeting as it is, exists in what’s in front of you, not in devoid space.

as i’ve heard before – be and the rest will follow. if you can come to understand contentment as defined within the context of stasis, then you find yourself at one through what is and not what ought be. contentment knows no normative bounds. the grass is just grass.

everything about nothing

wow. hello. well then.

yes it’s been awhile, i know. call me commitment phobic…and lazy…and scared…it’s all true. for a multiplicity of reasons  i’ve held back from publishing anything (publishing being a rather generous word) and have dismissed any fleeting urges to write. in the age where everyone, their mom and their hair stylist has a blog about music/culture/current events/what have you, it ultimately felt pointless for me to post scraps of random thoughts and meandering musings. what the hell was i an authority of and what would it have accomplished anyway?

cut the convo short, i have come to the conclusion that it’s simply a matter of ‘who gives a fuck’. while i am sometimes known to flaunt the ‘i don’t give a fuck’ sass, the statement hasn’t always been true. i lied. i lied when it came to writing. i gave a fuck about other people giving a fuck. of whether they’d like what i wrote, of whether it was cleverly crafted and witty and interesting. i was worried that other people would judge me, that they’d somehow discover in my writing that i’m actually not a cool person or very interesting or intelligent at all. i know that sounds silly, but it’s the truth. what insecurity ever sounds reasonable when spoken aloud?

that being said, i’m returning to this blog. i’m leaving whatever i’ve previously written up for grabs, too. i briefly considered deleting it all and starting fresh, but that’s exactly what i’ve always done – the proof is in all the empty pages of the stacks of journals i own. they were never filled because the blank paper was intimidating–i felt the words had to be neat and perfect (ah perfectionism, the perennial curse)–and i tended to start over with new ones because i was embarassed by what i did manage to get down. but you know what? there IS no starting over. it’s not the product, it’s the process. and i haven’t owned that. i haven’t given myself the space to just go and forget about whether my thoughts fit perfectly in a box, a three paragraph template with a succinct thesis statement. i haven’t let myself say much of anything and make “mistakes”, because with perfectionists, we’d rather do it right or do nothing at all. but writing feels good, so let’s just go with that. here’s everything about nothing.

what am i doing?

i need to stop chasing after ghosts.

favorite new onomatopoeia

susurrous - a whispering or rustling sound

“…he listened eagerly to the story of her life and she was equally eager to hear the story of his, but although they had a clear understanding of the logical meaning of the words they exchanged, they failed to hear the semantic susurrus of the river flowing through them” – the unbearable lightness of being, milan kundera

daydreaming’s lovely

till reality comes and

crashes the party

fame at last

or at least, lots of love

cross-blog post: are you gonna blog that?

i feel like kind of a jerk for copy-pasting a blog entry, but thus is the state of affairs at the moment:

–

my dear 953, i am currently in what is proverbially called a ‘pain cave’. it’s the home stretch of the last four months of my life, and the apex is a only mere 40 or so hours away. a relief, certainly, but the emotional/mental/physical toll is wearying in the meantime.

at this juncture my life is contained within the concept we know as the internet. my work feels to be the sum of my e-mails; the only presence i have is in that which takes place in the various social networking outlets. i miss and crave actual human contact. such a weird place to be. in any case, i miss you all. that’s about it for now — will update when sanity has been restored.

jobs i wouldn’t mind having

the president’s mailman.

call it an appeal to voyeurism or the desire to relate to others, but i think i’d be quite content doing it for the rest of my life.

runner up positions: diagram drawer, carpentry show host, writer (not photographer) for national geographic, professional crafter

interesting science article of the day

Quiet sun baffling astronomers

note the use of the nonexistent word ‘hotting’. hee.

the road to hell is paved with good intentions

i want to write a new post — a long, well-thought out, intelligent treatise on a Particularly Interesting and Engaging Topic (obviously this one doesn’t count). i have something in mind (though outside that i’m lacking inspiration – a wee disconcerting), but here’s the problem: i live, eat, breathe, sleep this event i’m working on until it’s over on may 5th. christ, it’s 11pm and i’m still writing e-mails about live video streaming and volunteer lists. twisted, much?

one of my goals with this blog is to express myself more creatively and encourage intellectual stimulation and an augmentation of vocabulary. my intuition told me in the first few days of moving here that i was meant to create in oakland, to pursue a better self i’ve had in mind, a self that puts her intentions and desires into action. but, as is known in a common saying, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

there are a plethora of excuses: i’m busy with work (see above). i have a million other priorities and chores to worry about. i’m new to town and need to make friends and expand my social horizons. the list goes on and on.

i recognize that this is unacceptable. we (or should i say ‘i’ – projecting here) give ourselves too many easy outs to achieve what we want most in life. the simple truth is that our innermost aspirations require a significant amount of work, and it doesn’t take very much to let laziness run its course when you can barely think about making dinner by the time you get home. my own excuses are just not good enough (set the bar high, baby!).

therefore i propose that i be held by my online community (can’t believe i just said that)  to the expectation that i post at least one Particularly Interesting and Engaging Topic a week, preferrably something a less touchy-feely than i tend to be. not trying to bag on touchy-feelyness here–i’m all about it–but i have noticed i often speak out of the self as opposed to discussing the world outside myself. it’s part of my nature, yes, but not conducive towards non-emo blogs.

granted, there are perhaps only 4-5 people that actually know of this blog at the current moment, but perhaps in putting this on blast i can drum up some sense of accountability. heaven knows i need the help. i’m open to suggestion for various PIETs for future posts. just don’t go ape shit on my ass about grammar.