what am i doing?

i need to stop chasing after ghosts.

favorite new onomatopoeia

susurrous - a whispering or rustling sound

“…he listened eagerly to the story of her life and she was equally eager to hear the story of his, but although they had a clear understanding of the logical meaning of the words they exchanged, they failed to hear the semantic susurrus of the river flowing through them” – the unbearable lightness of being, milan kundera

daydreaming’s lovely

till reality comes and

crashes the party

fame at last

or at least, lots of love

cross-blog post: are you gonna blog that?

i feel like kind of a jerk for copy-pasting a blog entry, but thus is the state of affairs at the moment:

–

my dear 953, i am currently in what is proverbially called a ‘pain cave’. it’s the home stretch of the last four months of my life, and the apex is a only mere 40 or so hours away. a relief, certainly, but the emotional/mental/physical toll is wearying in the meantime.

at this juncture my life is contained within the concept we know as the internet. my work feels to be the sum of my e-mails; the only presence i have is in that which takes place in the various social networking outlets. i miss and crave actual human contact. such a weird place to be. in any case, i miss you all. that’s about it for now — will update when sanity has been restored.

jobs i wouldn’t mind having

the president’s mailman.

call it an appeal to voyeurism or the desire to relate to others, but i think i’d be quite content doing it for the rest of my life.

runner up positions: diagram drawer, carpentry show host, writer (not photographer) for national geographic, professional crafter

interesting science article of the day

Quiet sun baffling astronomers

note the use of the nonexistent word ‘hotting’. hee.

the road to hell is paved with good intentions

i want to write a new post — a long, well-thought out, intelligent treatise on a Particularly Interesting and Engaging Topic (obviously this one doesn’t count). i have something in mind (though outside that i’m lacking inspiration – a wee disconcerting), but here’s the problem: i live, eat, breathe, sleep this event i’m working on until it’s over on may 5th. christ, it’s 11pm and i’m still writing e-mails about live video streaming and volunteer lists. twisted, much?

one of my goals with this blog is to express myself more creatively and encourage intellectual stimulation and an augmentation of vocabulary. my intuition told me in the first few days of moving here that i was meant to create in oakland, to pursue a better self i’ve had in mind, a self that puts her intentions and desires into action. but, as is known in a common saying, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

there are a plethora of excuses: i’m busy with work (see above). i have a million other priorities and chores to worry about. i’m new to town and need to make friends and expand my social horizons. the list goes on and on.

i recognize that this is unacceptable. we (or should i say ‘i’ – projecting here) give ourselves too many easy outs to achieve what we want most in life. the simple truth is that our innermost aspirations require a significant amount of work, and it doesn’t take very much to let laziness run its course when you can barely think about making dinner by the time you get home. my own excuses are just not good enough (set the bar high, baby!).

therefore i propose that i be held by my online community (can’t believe i just said that)  to the expectation that i post at least one Particularly Interesting and Engaging Topic a week, preferrably something a less touchy-feely than i tend to be. not trying to bag on touchy-feelyness here–i’m all about it–but i have noticed i often speak out of the self as opposed to discussing the world outside myself. it’s part of my nature, yes, but not conducive towards non-emo blogs.

granted, there are perhaps only 4-5 people that actually know of this blog at the current moment, but perhaps in putting this on blast i can drum up some sense of accountability. heaven knows i need the help. i’m open to suggestion for various PIETs for future posts. just don’t go ape shit on my ass about grammar.

in utero

were it not a terrible waste of money and resources, i’d prefer to have my room at 98.6 degrees at all times. i took a bath this evening and discovered that one of the best feelings in the world is several moments after you get out of the tub when your body temperature is about the same as the air around you. it’s the type of refreshing sensation that isn’t a shock of any kind, as with jumping into the water or taking a cold shower. instead, it’s a sublime, seamless transition back into reality, a blissful throwback to what it feels like in the womb (i imagine).

there’s no point to this post really, but i felt the need to mention it anyhow. it just feels that good.

meditations on first moments

one thing that has been on my mind in the last week is the open ended question of human attraction. what is it that draws us to other people? where does the chemistry come from? i am utterly fascinated by the process by which two people come together, and wonder where in that process biology, spirituality, fate (i.e. everything happens for a reason, not irrevocable destiny), intuition, and mysticism intersect.

have you ever look at somebody, before you’ve even opened your mouth, and sensed an immediate connection? your ‘eyes meet from across the room’ and without having proceeded to the body language and subtle signals of incipient courtship, you know something is going on. what happens in that split second of a moment? is it pheromones? precognition? intuition? a matter of two souls that were together in past lives recognizing one another in the present? the analytical part of my brain wants so much to be able to explain how it is that you can feel something so intangible instantaneously. in a wholly perfect word, it is perplexing.

but as much as i crave the knowledge and understanding, what would be the point? if it all made sense, what joy would there be? ultimately the beauty is in the mystery.